Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
