i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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