I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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