If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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