he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
