If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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