my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
