i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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