Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Randomize
