Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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