I just saw a hot homeless man
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
