i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
