Umm I'm too high to move.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
