things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
it's like iHOP with fire
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
