The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
that's an acceptable place to lick
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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