I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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