I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
