ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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