my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
