Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
