i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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