Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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