i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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