he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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