Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
