You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
