I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
