he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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