The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
