I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
