I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
