I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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