and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Randomize
