I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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