good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
