NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
