He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
