Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize