I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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