My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
