I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
