so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
