I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
