I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
