I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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