Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
