pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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