he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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