I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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