so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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