So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
