hotel room ftw
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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