The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
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