How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
