My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize