turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
In other news, I just burned my penis
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
