you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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