what day is it and did you see me today?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
