I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
