No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
