I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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