and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
