I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
