Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
