I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
