if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
