I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
