what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
