I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
