I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
